The Goldilocks Zone: A Movable Feast

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Oil magnate slams allocation of tax-payer’s dollars on Mars terraforming, says, ‘NASA’s porridge too cold.’

The element most needed for life as we know it to exist is H2o. The conditions for it to occur, however, are exceedingly rare, as water only turns to liquid within a thin range of the temperature spectrum known as ‘Goldilocks’ zone.’

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It may appear fortunate to live on a planet within Goldilocks’ zone, but looks can be deceiving, as it’s necessarily the case that every solar system must have one planet, nearer or farther from the sun, which is in the range of temperature where water becomes liquid.

As the sun began life in coolness and increased in hotness as it grew, Mercury was the first to bask in the temperate comfort of Goldilocks’ zone, presumably developing microscopic forms of life as it did so. When Mercury got too hot, this life may have migrated over to Venus in pursuit of a warm breakfast.


Scientists agree that in the future, the sun will swell out to an enormous size, engulfing the inner planets and causing Goldilocks’ zone to expand outward to encompass the moons of Jupiter and Saturn, rendering them habitable to the descendants of humankind.

“These martian terraforming funds are ludicrous,” said oil magnate Jon Dough in a scathing attack on community radio yesterday. “By the time they get the technology right, Goldilocks’ zone will already be there and the porridge will be ‘just right.’”

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